Too Late: Day 8

 Word Count: 48,005

Summary of Events:

Still troubled by Amarina's upset, Callan sat up for several hours pondering things before eventually he determined that she might be resisting him because he'd not been as forthright as he ought. Amarina watched Arsenal against West Bromwich, which was an Arsenal win, but with Callan only being involved in the last few minutes of the game after surprisingly not starting. Callan procrastinated about being more forthright with Amarina until he found the lyrics to the fourth verse, after which he sent her a more in-depth account of his struggles, including his attempt to kill himself . . .

Excerpt of the Day:

Researching online, I decided that overdosing on pills would be the best way to die, and found out which pills I could get in a lethal dosage quantity at the chemist’s.

Armed with the pills, I prepared myself to die in a place that was special to me, consuming the entire container of pills and actually losing consciousness for two days before I, unfortunately to my way of thinking at the time, woke up strapped to a hospital bed.

As I was strapped to the bed, I couldn’t get free and throw myself from the hospital window or find some other, more potent, drug at the hospital to kill myself with like I wanted.

I learned that some people had come to where I’d intended to die to use the area, and, upon noticing me, had intervened, finding the empty bottle and making sure I was treated as was needed to keep me alive.

It took me a long time to become grateful for these intervenors. I didn’t want to be alive, and I was angry at everyone who’d contributed to my survival and was striving to tell me that there was something to live for. Not unlike you’re being toward me.

One of the adults helping train me for my career didn’t give up on trying to help me, even though he didn’t know what I was going through or anything. He’d never been depressed, anxious, or self-harming, nor had he really known anyone who’d been so. He’d merely heard of it.

Still, he was determined to help me, and made me meet him for lunch daily once I was released from the hospital, with no exceptions allowed.

I didn’t enjoy this at first. In fact, I didn’t really find it was much help, as my mum was still an abusive terror who beat me severely for having been absent for as long as I had been, as she was completely oblivious to the fact that I had actually made an attempt to kill myself. She still doesn’t know, and I’m scared to tell her.

Finally I decided that it was enough, but, instead of trying a second time to kill myself, as I didn’t think I could disappoint the people who were trying so hard to help me, I moved in with my most determined helper, the man whom I met for lunch daily.

Even though he and his wife had five children of their own, I was naturally accepted by the whole family as a sixth child, and was even given an honorary nickname that fit in with the pattern of the children’s names that they call me by to this day.

Being away from my mum has helped a lot, and I actually haven’t self-harmed in at least two years, although it wasn’t easy for me to quit. It’d become something of a habit by that time.

None of this has been easy, and I still have bad days, in fact, I had one just the other day where I just couldn’t find any rest and was even tempted to cut. Thankfully I wasn’t close to my knife and so wasn’t able to.